It’s Mail Day! Let’s answer some questions. As always, if you have any questions you want answered, write me at email@example.com.
Greg from Albany writes:
What is your favorite Mythological Creature and why?
Thanks for writing Greg. I’m going with Minotaur. Six pack abs, natural sense of rage; it’s the perfect combination of power and sexual charisma. Here’s a ranking of my top players in the mythological game, from first to worst:
Jeff, from West Chester asks:
Two part question. If Hitler’s preserved brain was transfered into a grizzly bear, would you volunteer to fight him to the death? Do you think you would win?
Thanks for writing, Jeff! My question to you is when, temporally speaking, would this fight take place? If it was 1937 I think I would step up to the plate. In 2014 Hitler’s just fighting for pride, which makes him more dangerous. I like to think that this fight would take place in 2099 AD, where me and Hitler-Grizzly are fighting to amuse our corporate overlords at their Christmas party.
Anyway, I think I would have a fighting chance. Because Hitler has the mind of a man, in the body of a bear. He wouldn’t know how to use the patented bear moves (mauling, biting, rearing up to terrifying heights, etc) that makes bears so dangerous. He wouldn’t maximize his built in advantages as a bear. Conversely, if you put a bear’s mind in Hitler’s body, he’d flail around, not knowing how to use a man’s body.
I think I could conceivably get behind him, take his back and choke him out before he could figure out how to shake me off. Then it’s bear steaks for everybody.
Troy from Hoboken NJ writes:
My girlfriend says I spend too much time at Jiu Jitsu. It’s becoming a larger issue than it should be, leaking into other aspects of our relationship. I’d like to strike up a compromise with her, without losing any mat time. What should I do.
Thanks for writing Troy. Troy! What a name. Anyway, you’ve got a real problem on your hands. You can save it though! Here are a few techniques:
Basic:Most arguments in relationships, especially boyfriend-girlfriend relationships, are invisible struggles to seize and maintain the moral high ground. You’ve already seized this position because your girlfriend is asking you to change something about yourself. All you have to do is hold down the fort. The most basic defense that you can muster is that she should love you for you, and that trying to change you into something you’re not, or to make you do something you don’t want to do, would violate the most basic of all relationship principals. Say something to that effect and watch the waves of guilt crash down all around her!
Intermediate: To try something a little more advanced, let her know that the time spent at the gym is a wholesome, bettering, activity, and it’s not like you are spending your nights and weekends drinking and fucking around with your friends and other women. You’re an athlete, god damn it. This really only works if A) you are not currently spending your nights and weekends drinking and fucking around with other women and B) your girlfriend values fitness and comraderie. If she genuinely wants you around so you can watch her while she watches her 5th episode of Chopped, I would stick to the basics.
Advanced: Compromise, skip a bunch of classes, and be miserable. So miserable that she “allows” you to go back to your normal schedule. This is a shrewd high risk strategy. It involves you seemingly conceding your moral position to her, only for your girlfriend to realize later that she’s the one who’s wrong. It’s like a double switch ending to a movie where it turns out she’s Kaiser Soze where all along she thought she was Katherine Heigle in 27 dresses.
The risk is that your girlfriend may not care you’re miserable and it turns out you’re dating a monster. Or you act too insufferable and she breaks up with you because she thinks you’re a monster. Or maybe you’re just meant for each other because you are both awful people! Good luck!
That’s everything in the mail bag! If you have a question you want answered, send it in at firstname.lastname@example.org.