bjj, matchups

People and Things I’d Like to Fight Right Now

The more I write about jiu-jitsu, the more I realize I lack the warrior spirit that successful fighters have.  That doesn’t mean there are things that don’t get me spittin’ mad.

If I saw the following things across the street from me, they better start running, because I’m coming after them.  You heard it here first.

The Final Episode of the Killing.  I wish I knew a warlock who could cast a spell to bring the final episode of this show to life, so I could murder it, if it doesn’t get lynched first by the thousands of people who wasted their sunday nights watching it. The fight would start out good, then get reaaaaaaaaaallly boring, and be full of obvious red herrings and plot holes about who actually wins. Someone’s fiance’ will show up, but be totally irrelavent to the plot, too.  I if I DO win, and wind up murdering the show, I’ll never get caught.  Because with Linden and Holder couldn’t detect their way out of a Walmart. Fuck you Linden. Fuck your turtleneck sweaters too.

2. My Wife’s Cat, Scrabble. I don’t promote violence against animals. But at night I look into Scrabble’s eyes, and I send him telepathic messages that I hope he somehow instinctually understands.  They go a little something like this…”You may have her fooled, but not me, you son of a bitch.  You may hear me say to Beth that I wish you wouldn’t pee on my stuff or bite me in the middle of the night, but the truth is, I want you to.  Everytime you pull your little bullshit antics is another step you take to winding up in the dryer by accident. So please, keep it up.” Zip your lip and fly straight Scrabs, or its off to the High Kill Shelter while mommy is at BJ’s.

 

Home Depot Tool Rental Department. I may have bit off more than I can chew here.  If taken literally, this may mean that the tools in the department combine to form some sort of fighting machine.  If this is the case, my apologies, sentient tool almalgamation.  I want to rage out at the concept of renting a tool that requires three trips back just to get it to work.  If that concept was incorprate itself in human form, it would look like a bored college drop out named Dale.  Dale, if I see you, you’re mine. Do you hear me?  Pray some ancient magic doesn’t will you into existence.

You’re mine, Dale.

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