Let’s just take a five minute break from Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and talk about my second favorite thing: Reality Television. While it’s not my favorite, the Bachelor is definitely the show that provokes the strongest reactions from me. It simultaneously captivates and enrages, which is a rare quality in anything.
And like any competition, you have to know the rules. If you ever get shanghaied onto The Bachelor, stick to these rules and you’ll be fine. Who knows, you may just win and find yourself in a contractually obligated marriage! So please, accept this rose.
1) BE WHITE
Let’s just keep it real and talk about race. If ABC could cast walking clumps of cream cheese it would. They don’t even bother hiding it anymore. I wish we could take racism, put it on a rocket ship and shoot it into space, but I can’t do that. “But current bachelor Juan Pablo is Hispanic,” people say. Juan Pablo has blond hair, blue eyes, and is about as ethnically threatening as a Chi Chi’s Restaurant. Worse than descriminating against minorities, The Bachelor ignores or minimizes any thing non-white or mainstream. OH IT MAKES ME SO MAD BUT I LOVE IT ANYWAY.
2) TAKE FEMINIST IDEALS AND LIGHT THEM ON FIRE
If you are cast to be on the Bachelor, take a moment and write down all the positive feminist ideals you can think on a note pad. Then slowly cross them out with lipstick. And then light them on fire. Then bury them in the ground, salt the earth, and sell your house to bunch of bikers who’ll cook crank in your kitchen.
Because nothing kills the Bachelor’s boner faster than feminism.
3) SUBMIT TO THE LOVE
This is the most important rule. You have to love the bachelor immediately, but not really know him. And you have to convince him, and all of the women in the house its love at first site. All of this accomplished through a series of contrived encounters and interactions, in front of your bitter rivals. Like a cross between Downtown Abbey and a North Korean Propaganda event. And if at any moment you falter in the illusion the other contestants will turn on you and be devoured. They will smell your fear.
Its like some sort of group delusion everyone has to buy into, lest the curtain falls and all are forced to be witness to the hideous beast. Are you prepared for that? I’m not. Are you?
That about covers it. Three simple rules to love and happiness that fucking moron could follow.