adversity, bjj, disgusting, fat people

A Brazilian Ways to Die

Here’s a helpful hint-

Just because you do Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, do not go to the Brazilian BBQ food cart in South Philadelphia and think your stomach can handle it.  It can’t.  Maybe if you are some kind of hyper intelligent goat who can read, then yes, go ahead and eat at the cart, goat.

But if you are human, take a hard pass.

If this was a role playing game, by consuming “CONSUMING BRAZILIAN BBQ FROM A CART” your character would gain the following attributes:

  • -10 going to work
  • +5 Doo Doo
  • +5 writhing skill
  • -20 Charisma
  • +3 Weird Stomach Noises.
  • +1 Parasites that last the remainder of the game.

I guess I can chalk it up as a cultural experience.

 

 

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adversity, competition, disgusting, Inspirational Monday, nutrition, strategy

Advice Time

Sometimes people ask me for advice about Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.  Since I’m a post modern semi millenial, I’m going to start a semi-regular advice column where I answer people’s  questions with the unblinking honesty and laser precision they have come to expect.

Have a question you need answered?  Leave it in the comments or email askheavytraining@gmail.com.

Without further ado.

Long time reader, first time question!  I’m new to bjj and nervous about competing.  How do I mentally prepare for my first competition?

Good question!  Being nervous is part of the game.  A good way to get in the right headspace and fight those butterlies is to close your eyes and visualize success.  So let’s try it together.  Close your eyes… what do you see?  What you SHOULD be seeing is a flaming skull, floating in the darkness, laughing into the void.  Laughing at all your hopes and dreams and at all the aspirations that came before you and shall come after. You should see this every time you close your eyes, actually.  Just open yourself up to the darkness, man, and those jitters will fade in no time!

What supplements do you take?

Good question!  Just lots of organ meat and diet coke for me!

Hi!  I’m a blue belt who feels like I’ve really plateaued in my training.  The white belts are catching up to me, and the high belts keep smashing me.  How can I break through? 

Good question!  Like any sport, plateaus are inevitable and can be tricky to break out of. Whenever I’m stuck in a plateau there’s a little exercise I like to do.  After my drive home I shut the car off and just sit quietly in the driveway.  I start whispering “what am I doing?  what the fuck am I doing?” again and again under my breath.  After a few times, I  get to a state where I can really have a cathartic experience and weep and weep and weep.

whatamIdoingwhatamidoingohmygodIdon’tknowwhatI’mdoingwhatamIdoingohmygodohmygodohmygooooood. 

After a few years of this I feel completely blank, an empty vessel ready to learn again and break through my plateau.

If you don’t have a car, doing this in front of a mirror works too!

Love your website! I feel like I’m ready for a belt promotion.  Should I talk to my instructor about it?

Good question!  NO.  Do not do that.  If anyone else gets promoted ahead of you, just stare at him/her sideways with as much sadness as you can muster, and mutter sotto voce “horseshit” every time anyone has any success.  They’ll take notice and give you what you deserve!

I feel like my gym is too dirty, and the instructors won’t enforce any sort of standards.  What should I do?

Good question! I feel like if you have approached your instructor without results, a more indirect approach is called for.  Phase one: Seek out and roll with the dirtiest, scuzziest dudes at your gym. The really filthy pigs who hate detergent.  Once you contract ring worm and god knows what else (and you will),  that’s when phase two starts.  Cultivate your filth.  Sit in a dark, wet, warm room for a couple weeks as still as possible.  Once your body is completely overtaken, show back up at class.  Once class has started take you gi off and make all bear witness to your festering body boiling with fungus and rot. You will be a horror show. They’ll get the picture and clean up their act.  It’s the Jiu Jitsu sanitation protest equivalent of that monk who burned himself alive in demonstration against Vietnam.  Which is fitting, because you and all of your possessions will probably have to be incinerated to protect the public health.

____________

Those are all the questions for now.  Glad to help, and hope to hear from you!

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disgusting, fat people, improvement, matchups, rulon gardener, Uncategorized

private fatbody, reporting for duty sir.

Have you ever thought about the super obese, and how they got there?  When you’ve been trapped in your bed for the last six years, weighing 790 lbs, I imagine your universe is tiny.  It consists of your feeding room, and the people keeping you alive.  Literally, it’s a giant waste of potential.  Scientifically, it’s a huge furnace of a body, pumping in calories.  Like a sun made of fat, pulling people and things into its orbit.

For me, two questions arise:  How did this happen to these folks?  And can it happen to me?  If you can arrive at the first answer, it will lead you to the second.

Suppose you are a man of falstaffian appetites, but tempered by excercise.  What happens if you get hurt, and you can’t exercise?  A life time habit of overconsumption doesn’t just dissappear overnight.  So you keep eating how you ate.  Next thing you know, you’re fifty pounds in the hole, and pre diabetic.  The slope only gets more slippery. 

Some people live paycheck to paycheck, standing on the edge of a cliff.  All it takes is one disaster to push you over that edge, and you’re out on the street.  For some, it is the same with their health and waistline.  One injury or disaster, and three years later you’ve gone too seed.  As the pounds pack on, you get stuck in a feedback loop.  Too fat to exercise.  And getting fatter.  Along with the attendent health problems of the obese compounding the interest.  In my head it just seems so easy.

So can it happen to me?  Terrifyingly, yes it can.  Now, I’m sure that my wife and my general sense of fitness would never let me into the say, 500+ club, but I can see myself in the year 2025, stepping out of my hover car, in my size xxxxl radiation cloak.  Weighing 425lbs and rocking diabetic hosery.  All because of some knee injury and a refusal to change my eating habits.

And I’ll tell you what.  I was just in big and tall shop, and I refuse to wear those clothes.  I got to stay fresh, y’all.

I guess I wrote this to verbalize my fears.  To put a road map up to becoming morbidly obese, and then take a giant red pen to it, scrawing “NO” across it. 

But on the other hand, being really fat could get me on tv…so its a toss up.

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disgusting, nutrition, product review, purplestuff

Product Review: Naked Juice with Protein.

I generally don’t have much to write about products, goods, or services, because to be honest I don’t pay much attention to the things I consume.  However, every now and again something comes along that compels me to comment on, for good or ill.  Thus, my first product review!

But, the title of this post is misleading.  Naked Juice with protein is not a product as much it is a crime against humanity.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwww!

The Product:  Naked Juice.  With protein.

How It’s Made: While the website for Naked says “naturally”, the taste suggests something else.  Judging by taste alone, one can assume a warlock has enslaved an army of zombie hobos to comb the hillside, searching for rotten fruits and vegetables, and crudely mashing them together with raw sewage and lye.  Then the mixture is poured into bowl carved with runes of despair, and set to chill.

The Taste:  It depends on what you get.  Vanilla (and can you even make “vanilla juice?) tastes like a watery night terror.  Pineapple tastes like a  pineapple stewed in a vat of salt water.  Acai is the most tolerable, but barely, like your neighbor’s fat son practicing his tuba.  Every flavor though, has  the taste of undissolved chalk, which never seems to want leave your mouth.

Is It Any Good for You? Unfortunately, yes.  Unlike say, muscle milk, you don’t get a lot of the cholesterol or sodium that comes with all the good stuff.  If you are a boring health nut and don’t care about things like taste, texture or whether it fills you up, it might be worth a try.  Or not.  Probably not.

The Verdict:  Awwww hayle naw.

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