adversity, bjj, disgusting, fat people

A Brazilian Ways to Die

Here’s a helpful hint-

Just because you do Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, do not go to the Brazilian BBQ food cart in South Philadelphia and think your stomach can handle it.  It can’t.  Maybe if you are some kind of hyper intelligent goat who can read, then yes, go ahead and eat at the cart, goat.

But if you are human, take a hard pass.

If this was a role playing game, by consuming “CONSUMING BRAZILIAN BBQ FROM A CART” your character would gain the following attributes:

  • -10 going to work
  • +5 Doo Doo
  • +5 writhing skill
  • -20 Charisma
  • +3 Weird Stomach Noises.
  • +1 Parasites that last the remainder of the game.

I guess I can chalk it up as a cultural experience.

 

 

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adversity, bjj, fat people

Mail Day!

Hey! Let’s answer some reader emails.  If you have a question, write me at askheavytraining@gmail.com

Troy, from Chicago Illinois writes:

What is the acceptable protocol for farting in class?

That’s a great question.  Since you’re from Chicago you probably eat at least a meter of keilbasa before class;it  it may even be part of your warm up.  So I can see why you have farts on the brain.  Usually, I just say let ’em rip and let God sort it out.  We’re all friends here.  Everyone will either ignore it or have a good laugh, so it’s no big deal.

If you really feel some kind of way about it excuse yourself and find a quiet place to air your shame.  But if you’re like me,  your farts come to you like a lightening bolt from the clear blue sky and strike without warning.

So just roll the dice!

Thanks for asking!

-Jenn, from Montana asks:

I think I have a crush on a boy at the gym.  We train a lot together and seem to have really great chemistry.  I’d love to ask him out but I’m afraid if it didn’t work we’d ruin our friendship and make things awkward.  What should I do?

I think you should follow your heart.  Fuck that stupid brain of yours.  Just keep this one rule in mind.  YOU DO NOT LIVE IN A ROMANTIC COMEDY.  Avoid zany shenanigans at all costs.  Most people think about the meet cute that happens in the middle of the movie, not the humiliating failures arising from misunderstandings that happen in the first act.

Just be straight forward and ask him out.  I’m not too sure about how old your are, but you sound young (I GO BY FEEL).  Men (and boys) are idiots and need to be led by the hand point by point.  When it comes to relationships most men would rather just have somebody peel their orange for them.  Women on the other hand turn these things into giant Rube Goldberg machines we’re everything needs to be JUST RIGHT. So skip all that. Say what you feel and don’t make it weird.

But you’re from Montana, so there’s probably only three other eligible men within 4 hours of you, so if things go south, be prepared to move.  Keep a go bag in your Silverado at all times.

Good luck, and thanks for asking!

-Bill, from Tom’s River NJ asks:

What’s the best gi?

Atama Gold Weave. DUUOOOOOOOOOOY.  It is the Platonic Ideal of Gi Quality. Everything else is just faking.

Thanks for asking.

-Jim, from Lancaster Pennsylvania writes:

I started Jiu Jitsu about two months ago, and I don’t think I like it very much.  Is it ok to quit?

Sure.  I quit things all the time.  Marriages, jobs, meals I don’t like, etc.  I HATED Jiu Jitsu because it was so hard, but not because I didn’t like it. Even now after eight years and a brown belt, I have cagey feelings about the sport. But  If you don’t like the instructor, or the contact, or if you got a staff infection on your asshole, then sure, don’t go anymore.

But if you don’t like it because it’s hard, or you feel too tired afterwards, then stick with it.  It’s sort of like when you watch the first month of The Biggest Loser.  It’s not that these 500lb people can’t work out; it’s more that they are so far out of their comfort zone they don’t know which end is up and they panic.  PUSH THROUGH IT FATBODY.

So take some time to really figure out what it is you don’t like, and decide if you can live with it or not.  Just like a marriage.

Thanks for asking!

Got a question?  Ask me at askheavytraining@gmail.com

 

 

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A po-wem, competition, fat people

Rikishi

If I could do anything

anything at all,

and be anyone,

anyone at all,

I would be a sumo wrestler in Japan.

Languid and stately

in seemingly eternal repose,

everything they do

is on their own time,

And I find that appealing.

But then suddenly

an eruption occurs

of slapping and pulling

a lift and a crash

but then it’s over.

Like a truck rumbling on the interstate

and shaking your house.

Sudden, alarming, and well past

before you know what happened.

 

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