adversity, bjj, disgusting, fat people

A Brazilian Ways to Die

Here’s a helpful hint-

Just because you do Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, do not go to the Brazilian BBQ food cart in South Philadelphia and think your stomach can handle it.  It can’t.  Maybe if you are some kind of hyper intelligent goat who can read, then yes, go ahead and eat at the cart, goat.

But if you are human, take a hard pass.

If this was a role playing game, by consuming “CONSUMING BRAZILIAN BBQ FROM A CART” your character would gain the following attributes:

  • -10 going to work
  • +5 Doo Doo
  • +5 writhing skill
  • -20 Charisma
  • +3 Weird Stomach Noises.
  • +1 Parasites that last the remainder of the game.

I guess I can chalk it up as a cultural experience.



adversity, bjj, fat people

Mail Day!

Hey! Let’s answer some reader emails.  If you have a question, write me at

Troy, from Chicago Illinois writes:

What is the acceptable protocol for farting in class?

That’s a great question.  Since you’re from Chicago you probably eat at least a meter of keilbasa before class;it  it may even be part of your warm up.  So I can see why you have farts on the brain.  Usually, I just say let ’em rip and let God sort it out.  We’re all friends here.  Everyone will either ignore it or have a good laugh, so it’s no big deal.

If you really feel some kind of way about it excuse yourself and find a quiet place to air your shame.  But if you’re like me,  your farts come to you like a lightening bolt from the clear blue sky and strike without warning.

So just roll the dice!

Thanks for asking!

-Jenn, from Montana asks:

I think I have a crush on a boy at the gym.  We train a lot together and seem to have really great chemistry.  I’d love to ask him out but I’m afraid if it didn’t work we’d ruin our friendship and make things awkward.  What should I do?

I think you should follow your heart.  Fuck that stupid brain of yours.  Just keep this one rule in mind.  YOU DO NOT LIVE IN A ROMANTIC COMEDY.  Avoid zany shenanigans at all costs.  Most people think about the meet cute that happens in the middle of the movie, not the humiliating failures arising from misunderstandings that happen in the first act.

Just be straight forward and ask him out.  I’m not too sure about how old your are, but you sound young (I GO BY FEEL).  Men (and boys) are idiots and need to be led by the hand point by point.  When it comes to relationships most men would rather just have somebody peel their orange for them.  Women on the other hand turn these things into giant Rube Goldberg machines we’re everything needs to be JUST RIGHT. So skip all that. Say what you feel and don’t make it weird.

But you’re from Montana, so there’s probably only three other eligible men within 4 hours of you, so if things go south, be prepared to move.  Keep a go bag in your Silverado at all times.

Good luck, and thanks for asking!

-Bill, from Tom’s River NJ asks:

What’s the best gi?

Atama Gold Weave. DUUOOOOOOOOOOY.  It is the Platonic Ideal of Gi Quality. Everything else is just faking.

Thanks for asking.

-Jim, from Lancaster Pennsylvania writes:

I started Jiu Jitsu about two months ago, and I don’t think I like it very much.  Is it ok to quit?

Sure.  I quit things all the time.  Marriages, jobs, meals I don’t like, etc.  I HATED Jiu Jitsu because it was so hard, but not because I didn’t like it. Even now after eight years and a brown belt, I have cagey feelings about the sport. But  If you don’t like the instructor, or the contact, or if you got a staff infection on your asshole, then sure, don’t go anymore.

But if you don’t like it because it’s hard, or you feel too tired afterwards, then stick with it.  It’s sort of like when you watch the first month of The Biggest Loser.  It’s not that these 500lb people can’t work out; it’s more that they are so far out of their comfort zone they don’t know which end is up and they panic.  PUSH THROUGH IT FATBODY.

So take some time to really figure out what it is you don’t like, and decide if you can live with it or not.  Just like a marriage.

Thanks for asking!

Got a question?  Ask me at



A po-wem, competition, fat people


If I could do anything

anything at all,

and be anyone,

anyone at all,

I would be a sumo wrestler in Japan.

Languid and stately

in seemingly eternal repose,

everything they do

is on their own time,

And I find that appealing.

But then suddenly

an eruption occurs

of slapping and pulling

a lift and a crash

but then it’s over.

Like a truck rumbling on the interstate

and shaking your house.

Sudden, alarming, and well past

before you know what happened.


disgusting, fat people, improvement, matchups, rulon gardener, Uncategorized

private fatbody, reporting for duty sir.

Have you ever thought about the super obese, and how they got there?  When you’ve been trapped in your bed for the last six years, weighing 790 lbs, I imagine your universe is tiny.  It consists of your feeding room, and the people keeping you alive.  Literally, it’s a giant waste of potential.  Scientifically, it’s a huge furnace of a body, pumping in calories.  Like a sun made of fat, pulling people and things into its orbit.

For me, two questions arise:  How did this happen to these folks?  And can it happen to me?  If you can arrive at the first answer, it will lead you to the second.

Suppose you are a man of falstaffian appetites, but tempered by excercise.  What happens if you get hurt, and you can’t exercise?  A life time habit of overconsumption doesn’t just dissappear overnight.  So you keep eating how you ate.  Next thing you know, you’re fifty pounds in the hole, and pre diabetic.  The slope only gets more slippery. 

Some people live paycheck to paycheck, standing on the edge of a cliff.  All it takes is one disaster to push you over that edge, and you’re out on the street.  For some, it is the same with their health and waistline.  One injury or disaster, and three years later you’ve gone too seed.  As the pounds pack on, you get stuck in a feedback loop.  Too fat to exercise.  And getting fatter.  Along with the attendent health problems of the obese compounding the interest.  In my head it just seems so easy.

So can it happen to me?  Terrifyingly, yes it can.  Now, I’m sure that my wife and my general sense of fitness would never let me into the say, 500+ club, but I can see myself in the year 2025, stepping out of my hover car, in my size xxxxl radiation cloak.  Weighing 425lbs and rocking diabetic hosery.  All because of some knee injury and a refusal to change my eating habits.

And I’ll tell you what.  I was just in big and tall shop, and I refuse to wear those clothes.  I got to stay fresh, y’all.

I guess I wrote this to verbalize my fears.  To put a road map up to becoming morbidly obese, and then take a giant red pen to it, scrawing “NO” across it. 

But on the other hand, being really fat could get me on tv…so its a toss up.

bjj, fat people, improvement, strategy

Simple Tips to Step Up Your Game

Part of the territory that comes with being a purple belt is that people ask you questions about bjj.  Questions about strategy, technique, etc.  I do my best to answer these questions, but there are few tips anyone can use right now to take your game to the next level.

 Tip 1:Find the best athlete you can.  Take some time to notice their routine.  How much do they eat?  How much do they sleep?  How much time do they actually spend at the gym?  This information will come in handy when you formulate your plans to kill and eat him or her to gain their power.  It’s quite simple.  They have some sort of power that can only be gained by eating their flesh. 

Pro Tip: Eat their heart last.

Tip Two:  Draw Inpsiration from Your Family. You don’t have to look to the stars to fnd a way to success.  Living vicariously through your children is the fastest and easiest way to athletic success without even lifting a finger.  The key is sync the successes and failures of your child’s athletic career with the well being of thier psyche. When your beautiful daughter Emily fails to place at the big swim meet, don’t let her go to prom.  Or when your twin sons, Zach and Robbie don’t start on the varsity squad, buy them one Christmas gift to spilt amongst them.

Pro Tip: Injuries always occur because your children are weak and unskilled.  Be sure to let them know that.

Tip Three: Stop trying. Eventually you will fall into a routine of training, diet, and hopefully improvement.  At some point you will realize, like anyone with half a brain does, that it doesn’t really matter what you do.  Ultimately, you will come to find out, that your life, and the lives of the ones you love are devoid of any inherent meaning.  So why bother?  Taken on a cosmic scale, you are a subatomic particle of a  subatomic particle, and all of your toils are no more important than the random bouncing of protons.  Your successes and failures will be forgotten, and when the camera pulls back, and the curtain parts, its just blackness.

Pro Tip:  What’s the point?

fat people

It’s embarrassing

It’s fucking embarrassing how easy I get embarrassed for myself and others.

A few years ago, watching Maury Povich, I saw a pair of conjoined twins who wanted to be country western singers.  Maury Povitch is a cool dude, and he let them sing a song on air.  I had to plug my ears and look away when they went at it, singing a song and doing this weird syncopated two step.

Wouldn’t a normal person think that it’s wonderful that these twins got a shot?  They share an esophagus, they share their dreams. But instead, a flood of shame washes hotly over me, and I can’t enjoy it. 

In that same vein, when I mention I practice bjj, people inevitably make a karate chopping motion at me.  A normal, balanced person would correct them, and let them in about the gist of the sport.  Instead, I just sort of grin/grimace like a chimp and change the subject.

I have a feeling in my gut that people don’t want to hear about it.  That they would have the same reaction I would have, say, watching an obese dwarf bomb at stand up comedy.  It just seems so gut wrenchingly personal.

But times are changing.  It used to be that pundits, floating heads, radio wonks, and the encylopedia brittanica were where you went to hear an expert speak. But in today’s ownership culture, everyone is part of the zeitgeist.  Everyone is balls deep in their own personal expericne that is shared with the world for quick consumption (ironic that this is being written on a blog tht is essentially a vanity project).  So I really should get over myself, and allow myself and others to not be so goddamn weird about keeping their preferences/hobbies so close to the vest.

I guess I’m too sensitve of a creature for this world.

bjj, fat people, improvement

Weightloss Secrets of the Stars

First off, congratulations to all medalists and winners at the 2011 Pan Am games. 

This post is not for you. 

This post is for those atheletes who need to cut weight for their next tournament.  It can be hard!  Exercising sucks and is dumb. But I don’t want to you to worry.  This time it’s going to be easy, I promise.  I have consulted with an elite team of doctors, nutritionalists, and fitness experts to give you some cant miss tips. 

1. Tapeworms  (ed. note:  I know this joke is hacky.  just roll with it.)

Quite simply, this little guy is your best friend if you are looking to lose a lot of weight.  Go to equatorial Africa and eat some raw pork.  Chances are, you just took your first step to a slimmer, more beautiful you.  Once anchored into your intestinal wall,  your tapeworm will be ready and will siphon away all those unwanted calories and nutrients your body your greedy body tries to take for itself.

Learn to share, digestive system!

As a bonus, each portion the tape worm grows has its own digestive and reproductive tract.  So eat away, friends!  You can grow your tape worm to truly glamorous sizes.  Uma Thurman’s tape worm is 13 meters long, because she believes in old Hollywood Glamour.



2. Let Jesus Out of Your Heart

This one is for all my Christian friends out there.  Like everything else about religion, this is pretty clear cut and simple… 

It is well known that Jesus lives in the hearts of his believers.  If you take this literally (I do) that means you have a fully grown man living in and around your heart.  Even though he is slender, ths means you’re carrying around 110-130 lbs, minimum, of extra Jesus-weight.  Prior to a tournament, or girl’s night out, you need to work to expel him out of your heart.

This can be done by kicking a puppy, pushing an old lady to the ground, or something equally bad.  And boom.  you’ve just dropped down six weight classes.  

 This may lead to the unfortunate side effect of being condemned into eternal damnation, if you’re into that sort of thing.  But hey, turn that frown upside down, Grumpy Gus!  Goblins will feast on your eyes and buttocks, leading to even further weightloss!  And the hot climate of Perdition is perfect for kick starting your metabolism.

I don't see any chubby people.

3. Shake Weight combined with the Thigh Master

I feel silly even mentioning this.  I don’t know of any combination of scientific research and plain common sense that can top the fat blasting effects of the shake weight and Susan Sommer’s thigh master

Imagine, blasting your pecs and tris, while toning your thighs to sculpted perfection at the same time.  AT THE SAME TIME.

If you’re a fucking moron and still don’t have the shake weight, if you order direct from their website, you get a free latin dance workout, and a free brazilian booty workout.  But you already know that.

Anyway, any of these methods will work.  Pretty soon you’ll have the body I’ve always wanted you to have.  And maybe I’ll finally notice you and you will get the nerve to ask me out and i’ll say yes and oh my god you’re so excited and we are going on a date to red lobster because we both love their cheddar biscuits and you think we have a lot in common and you tell your girlfriends that you really think this is going somewhere and then all the sudden one day I stop calling you and you keep calling and calling and get worried that I’m sick and eventually show up to my house with some chicken soup and my fiance answers the door and is all “who the fuck are you bitch” and you dont know what to say and drop the soup on my porch and run away to go cry to your besties at the local applebees and they are telling you that there other fish in the sea and that jason isn’t that special but you know better you know that what we had was the only thing that made sense after your divorce and you were hoping that i was the one and you know that if you could just talk to me you could convince me that you are the one for me and we could be happy together having kids in a litle cute old house in the suburbs eventually youll cry yourself to sleep with your pillow wet from your drunken tears and wake up alone and hurting and try to pick up the pieces one by one until they fit back together but not quite like a cup thats been glued together sure its a cup but its broken and doesn’t quite work anymore not anymore not after me.

Good luck!