product review

Product Review: Defense Band

Product: The DefenseBand, from SpiderTI.

What Is It? A hidden wrist band that allows you to strangle/restrain victims potential attackers.

Who Should Buy It: Anybody who needs to garrotte a fat Italian guy from the backseat of a 2001 Lincoln Towncar.  Someone interested in the finer legalities of involuntary manslaughter.

Pros: Unobtrusive. Once you show your coworkers your Defenseband, colleagues will leave you alone and give you the solitude and peace you’ve so desperately searched so hard for.

Cons: The smell of whores’ perfume lingers on the nylon. Why do they stink so?  Why are they so filthy?

Where to find them:  On the Spider TI website. Any place were the spirit of America still lives on.  Your local militia.

How to Take it to the Next Level: Watch the instructional video again. Did you notice that in half the scenarios the “defender” was behind the “attacker”?  The Defenseband excels at defending against aggressive confrontations where you may have to sneak up behind your attacker and choke them to death.

How to Take it to the Next Next Level:  Spider TI also sells a belt that conceals zip ties.  Perfect for transporting your attackers across state lines.

Verdict: Get in the van.

product review

Product Review: Muscle Milk Farts

Product:  Farts from all that protein.

Frequency/Duration/Noise Level: Expect to suffer the consequences for up to an hour, with farts boiling out every two to three minutes.  Noise level is between a hoarse eerie whisper and a Rottweiler barking.

Product Highlights:  Farts with the exceptional timbre and tone of a french horn.  Knowing that the gas is a byproduct of you getting ripped, bruh.

Product Lowlights:  Blaring gas in confined spaces like cars and subway trains.  Big ole boomers that smell like old baby puke.

Recommended for: People who marvel at their own digestive process.  Anyone without shame.

Pro Tip: Clench your butt cheeks real tight.  Take halting, jerky steps like a baby Frankenstein.  And maybe, just maybe, your muscle milk farts will escape silently.

Verdict: It’s all natural baby!  Embrace it and ride the wave.

bjj, product review

Product Review: The Parking Garage Elevator Next To My BJJ Club

Product:  ThyssenKrupp Elevator, built circa 1832.

Product Highlights:  The shaking.  The screeching. Ostensibly moving in a vertical motion to carry people and goods between levels.

Product Lowlights:  Terror.  Elevator door snapping shut with the force of a bear trap. All the ghosts of  people who have died on the elevator returning to haunt it.

Recommended for: People who need to be put in an environment that makes them think about their families and life decisions.

Pro Tip: If you parked on the roof, don’t worry when the elevator shudders violently and stops halfway between the fourth floor and the roof.  Just take a deep breath and relax, it’s all part of the ride.  You’ll get there. Probably.

Verdict: Take it!  YOLO!

product review

Product Review: Hard Boiled Eggs

Product:  Eggs, hard boiled

Brands I Like:  Chicken.

Product Highlights:  Good protein.  Real tasty.

Product Lowlights:  Makes a man gassy.  Cholesterol (psych! [cholesterol is bullshit {mabye?}])

Recommended for: Lonely people who don’t know how to cook.  Fat people like me who want protein but can’t eat chicken fried steak every night.

Goes great with:
Cumin.  An apple.  A warm sunday afternoon in the park with friends, eating boiled eggs.

Pro Tip:  Make a whole mess of them on the weekend to eat for lunch throughout the week.  But then eat them all through the course of an evening.  Let the shame course through, motivating you to eat sensibly, and never do that again.  Instant motivation.

Verdict: Buy.

disgusting, nutrition, product review, purplestuff

Product Review: Naked Juice with Protein.

I generally don’t have much to write about products, goods, or services, because to be honest I don’t pay much attention to the things I consume.  However, every now and again something comes along that compels me to comment on, for good or ill.  Thus, my first product review!

But, the title of this post is misleading.  Naked Juice with protein is not a product as much it is a crime against humanity.


The Product:  Naked Juice.  With protein.

How It’s Made: While the website for Naked says “naturally”, the taste suggests something else.  Judging by taste alone, one can assume a warlock has enslaved an army of zombie hobos to comb the hillside, searching for rotten fruits and vegetables, and crudely mashing them together with raw sewage and lye.  Then the mixture is poured into bowl carved with runes of despair, and set to chill.

The Taste:  It depends on what you get.  Vanilla (and can you even make “vanilla juice?) tastes like a watery night terror.  Pineapple tastes like a  pineapple stewed in a vat of salt water.  Acai is the most tolerable, but barely, like your neighbor’s fat son practicing his tuba.  Every flavor though, has  the taste of undissolved chalk, which never seems to want leave your mouth.

Is It Any Good for You? Unfortunately, yes.  Unlike say, muscle milk, you don’t get a lot of the cholesterol or sodium that comes with all the good stuff.  If you are a boring health nut and don’t care about things like taste, texture or whether it fills you up, it might be worth a try.  Or not.  Probably not.

The Verdict:  Awwww hayle naw.