Product: The DefenseBand, from SpiderTI.
What Is It? A hidden wrist band that allows you to strangle/restrain
victims potential attackers.
Who Should Buy It: Anybody who needs to garrotte a fat Italian guy from the backseat of a 2001 Lincoln Towncar. Someone interested in the finer legalities of involuntary manslaughter.
Pros: Unobtrusive. Once you show your coworkers your Defenseband, colleagues will leave you alone and give you the solitude and peace you’ve so desperately searched so hard for.
Cons: The smell of whores’ perfume lingers on the nylon. Why do they stink so? Why are they so filthy?
Where to find them: On the Spider TI website. Any place were the spirit of America still lives on. Your local militia.
How to Take it to the Next Level: Watch the instructional video again. Did you notice that in half the scenarios the “defender” was behind the “attacker”? The Defenseband excels at defending against aggressive confrontations where you may have to sneak up behind your attacker and choke them to death.
How to Take it to the Next Next Level: Spider TI also sells a belt that conceals zip ties. Perfect for transporting your attackers across state lines.
Verdict: Get in the van.