product review

Product Review: Defense Band

Product: The DefenseBand, from SpiderTI.

What Is It? A hidden wrist band that allows you to strangle/restrain victims potential attackers.

Who Should Buy It: Anybody who needs to garrotte a fat Italian guy from the backseat of a 2001 Lincoln Towncar.  Someone interested in the finer legalities of involuntary manslaughter.

Pros: Unobtrusive. Once you show your coworkers your Defenseband, colleagues will leave you alone and give you the solitude and peace you’ve so desperately searched so hard for.

Cons: The smell of whores’ perfume lingers on the nylon. Why do they stink so?  Why are they so filthy?

Where to find them:  On the Spider TI website. Any place were the spirit of America still lives on.  Your local militia.

How to Take it to the Next Level: Watch the instructional video again. Did you notice that in half the scenarios the “defender” was behind the “attacker”?  The Defenseband excels at defending against aggressive confrontations where you may have to sneak up behind your attacker and choke them to death.

How to Take it to the Next Next Level:  Spider TI also sells a belt that conceals zip ties.  Perfect for transporting your attackers across state lines.

Verdict: Get in the van.

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Fears

My greatest fear in Jiu Jitsu?

Shitting my pants at practice or a tournament.  Either scenario has its pros and cons. Accidentally shitting yourself in practice means you’ll be forever known to your team mates as the guy who shit himself.  But paradoxically you’d be surrounded by people who would ostensibly support you through your ordeal.  Maybe they’d never bring it up again.  But it would always be lurking in the corner of your mind, a wet turd rotting away at the foundation of your confidence.

If it went down at a tournament, you could take comfort in the fact that you’ll probably never see most of those people again.  But only if you actively avoided competitions for the rest of your life.   Also, it’s a virtually certainty that it was captured on film somehow.  And there’s probably no way to kill that person who filmed it before they upload it to their tumblr, so that’s another mondo bummer.  You’d probably have to wear a wig to avoid getting stopped on the street after that shit winds up on Tosh.0.

I’ve never shit myself in either in those circumstances.  Knock on wood.  Maybe in an alternate universe I shit myself in my first class and never came back.  Maybe in another it happens every day and I’ve learned to deal with it.   I feel like I’ve pulled the best universe when it comes to not defecating all over myself and others in Jiu Jitsu.  So in that respect  I guess I should be thankful.

#BLESSED

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Obvtavio Sousa

Otavio Sousa was let go as the instructor from Gracie Barra.

Apparently it was over money and Sousa’s alleged unwillingness to stick to a schedule. Outrage ensued.

So let me get this straight…a hot shot Brazilian champion turning out not to be a great instructor along with money issues causes friction in the BJJ community?

Also, in other, less predictable news, the sky is blue, bears are dangerous, cake is good, cigarettes are bad for you, one day you will die, sky scrapers are tall, kittens are cute, grass is green, airline service sucks, shit smells, the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills are catty, Ferraris go fast, the Pope wears a funny hat, the cup cake fad is rapidly ending, the  Shawshank Redemption makes grown man cry, roses are red, Jews run international banking, the Atomic weight of Colbalt is 58.9, the ocean is salty, turtles are slow, Jamie Curtis is a hermaphridite, beer gets you drunk, and the sun is bright.

 

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