product review

Product Review: Defense Band

Product: The DefenseBand, from SpiderTI.

What Is It? A hidden wrist band that allows you to strangle/restrain victims potential attackers.

Who Should Buy It: Anybody who needs to garrotte a fat Italian guy from the backseat of a 2001 Lincoln Towncar.  Someone interested in the finer legalities of involuntary manslaughter.

Pros: Unobtrusive. Once you show your coworkers your Defenseband, colleagues will leave you alone and give you the solitude and peace you’ve so desperately searched so hard for.

Cons: The smell of whores’ perfume lingers on the nylon. Why do they stink so?  Why are they so filthy?

Where to find them:  On the Spider TI website. Any place were the spirit of America still lives on.  Your local militia.

How to Take it to the Next Level: Watch the instructional video again. Did you notice that in half the scenarios the “defender” was behind the “attacker”?  The Defenseband excels at defending against aggressive confrontations where you may have to sneak up behind your attacker and choke them to death.

How to Take it to the Next Next Level:  Spider TI also sells a belt that conceals zip ties.  Perfect for transporting your attackers across state lines.

Verdict: Get in the van.


Moves that Sound Like Food

There are more than a couple moves in BJJ that sound like delicious foods.  Here is a small list, and some recipes, if you’re hungry.

Juji Gatame Turnover:  Sweet bean curd and pumpkin pastries.

Directions:  Lay out precut 4″ filo dough squares on an oiled cooking sheet.  Add a slight layer of bean paste, and then a small dollop of pumpkin pie which is sweetened with white sugar and cinnamon. Fold filo dough into squares and bake for 12 minutes at 375 degrees.  Sprinkle with a mix of cardamom and cinnamon.  Serve warm.

Cuban Roll: Ham and Turkey roll ups with spicy filling.

Directions: Lay out premium ham cold cuts.  In a large mixing bowl mix in 8 ounces low fat cream cheese, diced pickles, finely diced jalapenos, and one teaspoon of hot sauce of choice.  Spread filling onto ham, then place quality deli slices of turkey on top.  Roll up and place a tooth pick in each.  Place in refrigerator until ready to serve.

Kimura: Rare sliced beef with mixed greens and South American seasoning.

Directions:   Create a dry rub of salt, paprika, corriander, cumin, garlic powder, and red pepper flake.  Rub on 8 ounces of beef tenderloin and let set in the refrigerator for an hour.  Slice beef into 1/8 ” pieces.  Take mixed greens and toss with salt, pepper, and white vinegar. Add fresh carrots and raisins.  Served chilled.

Calf Crusher:  Sautéed veal with a brusselsprout and potato hash.

Directions: Soak ten oz of veal in milk overnight.  Seal veal in plastic wrap and tenderize with a mallet.  Remove from plastic and pound flat.  Heat a large skillet to medium high.  Bring 1/2 a cup of white wine, and one teaspoon of olive oil to a simmer.  Chop veal and add to pan, along with 12 ounces of coarsely chopped mushrooms.  Cover and let simmer.

In a food processor, finely chop one package of brusselsprouts, one white potato (unpeeled) and half of a white union. Heat another large skillet to medium greased with olive oil.  Fold an egg in, and form mixture into rough cakes and fry.  Once veal is cooked through (20 minutes on medium low heat) remove cakes and plate.  Place veal on top of cakes, and drizzle the pan sauce and mushrooms on top.  Salt to taste and serve.




Urges and Compulsions

Do you ever get urges to say, grab that girl’s ass who is standing in front of you in line at the post office; or pick up a trash can and throw it through the front of a doctor’s office window on your way to work? I get them all the time.

Alllll the time.

Not that I act on them, I’ve never driven my car off of a cliff even though I feel compelled to do so sometimes. I get these feelings when I train BJJ too, like I want to bite someone on the face or punch them hard in the stomach.  The images are very clear in my head. I tell myself that this is natural and that everyone probably gets these urges from time to time.

I guess since I don’t do it, and know that it’s wrong, I’m not insane.  The people who do it and then think the rest of the world is out of step are the crazies, right?

Or maybe I AM a lunatic and me and people like me should all be put on a rocket ship and shot into space.  That way we’d never hurt anyone!

The world can be a crazy mixed up place sometimes, man.