Learnin’, Burnin’, and Turnin’

Brazilian Jiu Jitsu is hard, both mentally and physically.

No doy.

Anyone who has ever stepped on a mat knows this. You get your ass kicked repeatedly with extreme prejudice, and your coordination sucks. Mostly because you simply don’t know what do, and how to process the conceptual framework of bjj.  My observation has been that most people struggle through the end of their white belts until they begin to realize that bjj is a system of movements, and that each submission, sweep, pass, etc. are all based on only a handful of core principles. Once those principles are grasped, learning becomes much more facile.  That’s why a brown/black belt can pick up new moves faster that beginners.  Simply because they realize that what they are learning are simply variations on a theme.

To use another example, it’s like learning how to have sex.  Sure, I was really bad at it when I started, but after a few years, by the time I was nine I really had the swing of things, and by 12 I had pretty much had the entire Kama Sutra at my disposal and command. All by discovering and applying the rules of eroticism. It’s just a matter of practice and mindset.

Now I don’t know if I’m a world class lover/ok bjj player because I understand these concepts, or that I understand these concepts because I’m a world class lover/ok bjj fighter.  I recommend you don’t think about that too hard because it’s a chicken/egg question and the metaphor doesn’t extend that far.

Hey man, I’m just throwing ideas out there. If you want sound logic go read Socrates.


2014 Predictions

Predictions are usually boring and almost always wrong.  Especially when it comes to things outside of your direct control, i.e. politics, or Google’s new robot army.  Hell, I can barely predict what’s going to happen in my own life.  Just last week I was eating a bag of Doritos and no lie, I pulled out a Dorito that consisted entirely of cheese dust and seasoning.  Life’s all about surprises, I ‘spose.

Anyway, the only things I can predict are death and taxes.  And since I don’t/wont’ pay taxes, I guess I have to take the time to predict, (in order of statistical likeliness) how I will probably die in 2014.

  • Opening that time capsule I made back in ’88, forgetting it was filled to the brim with live scorpions. (23%)
  • Hitting the proverbial bottom and breaking into a hundred pieces like a crash test dummy. (14%)
  • Something involving a snowblower. (11%)
  • Death by Cop (10%)
  • WILDCARD (??????????)
  • Highschool kids putting a live King Cobra in my mailbox as a senior week prank. (SENIORS RULE! 2014 4-EVER [8%])
  • Killed by my parents after discovering they’re androids. (7%)
  • Killed by my parents after they discover I’m an android. (6.9%)
  • Obamacare? (6%)
  • Loving to much. (5%)
  • Gored by a bull. (4%)
  • Gored by a mechanical bull. (3%)
  • Complications from a liver transplant, where the liver was a serial killer and he takes over my body.  My body then gets shot to pieces by the cops after my third murder. AKA Death by Cop 2. (2%)
  • Dying satisfied and content in my sleep.  After going to bjj class and afterwards meeting my best friends and family for a night of craft beer and bbq ribs tasting. (.1%)

Enjoy 2014, and may all your dreams come true.



Obviously a good diet is key to performance in BJJ/life.  But so many foods only appear healthy.  Think you know your food?  Take the Health Quiz to find out.  But be warned, the answers might surprise you!

  • Eggs? (Y/N)
  • Milk? (Y/N)
  • Bread Fried in Bacon? (Y/Y)
  • Hard Candy?  (Y/N)
  • Protein Shakes? (Y/N)
  • Multigrain Bread? (Y/N)
  • Soft Candy ie Twizzlers/Laffy Taffy? (Y/N)
  • Paper Products? (Bibles, old card catalogs etc.) (Y/N)
  • Almonds? (Y/N)
  • Nurses, specifically brown haired, green eyed nurses? (Y/N/666)
  • Cereal? (Y/N)

Ew, Gross.

Do you wear contacts?  If you do, have they ever been rubbed out of your head by somebody during jiu jitsu practice?  Mine come out on the reg, and since I wallow in filth (like a pig) I usually just pop them right back in if I find them.  I like to live on the edge,  take my chances with whatever bacteria is lurking on the mats. Wearing my glasses and taking them off to train is a non starter, because I’m way too blind to do that, and I won’t wear sports goggles because I’m not Clyde Drexler.

One day, I’ll wake up, and my eye will roll right of my head, due to some unspeakable infection.  I will take my eye, and if I can’t sell it on the black market, and assuming the Illuminatti hasn’t released their cybernetic implants they’ve been testing on the last four Popes, and hold it up to my team mates as a grizzly warning.

Or I guess I could wash my contacts if they pop out.

product review

Product Review: Hard Boiled Eggs

Product:  Eggs, hard boiled

Brands I Like:  Chicken.

Product Highlights:  Good protein.  Real tasty.

Product Lowlights:  Makes a man gassy.  Cholesterol (psych! [cholesterol is bullshit {mabye?}])

Recommended for: Lonely people who don’t know how to cook.  Fat people like me who want protein but can’t eat chicken fried steak every night.

Goes great with:
Cumin.  An apple.  A warm sunday afternoon in the park with friends, eating boiled eggs.

Pro Tip:  Make a whole mess of them on the weekend to eat for lunch throughout the week.  But then eat them all through the course of an evening.  Let the shame course through, motivating you to eat sensibly, and never do that again.  Instant motivation.

Verdict: Buy.