Every time the Olympics roll around, there are always dumb ass pictures and memes (meems? me mes?) that pop up advocating for Jiu Jitsu to in the next Olympics. I’m sorry to say, this will never, never happen. There are a variety of reasons, but I think we can break it down into three main points. A) Do not underestimate how stupid the International Olympic Committee is, B) Jiu Jitsu is boring, and C) BJJ doesn’t need to be added.
This is a long post, if you need to use the bathroom do it now.
The IOC is a Joke
If you want to get a nice rich spoonful of Old White Dude corruption, take a look at the hideous beast that the International Olympic Committee (the IOC) is. The IOC was a cunt hair away from chopping wrestling from the 2020 Olympics. WRESTLING. Jesus. The IOC does a periodical audit of their programs to make sure that their offerings are au currant and reflect the competitive nature of sport. Which logically, is why wresting was cut and sports like say, the Modern Pentathlon were kept in.
In case you’re not a Mod Pent (my pet name for it) superfan, the Modern Pentathlon is an event that features fencing, swimming, cross-country racing, air pistol shooting and FUCKING HORSE JUMPING. It sounds amazing, right? But not really an Olympic caliber sport. Unless you are Juan Antonio Samaranch, the Vice President of the Modern Pentathlon Union who also sits on the IOC. I guess that would be a conflict of interest, being an executive in the governing body of a sport which you ultimately have to decide the fate of for Olympic Consideration. Wrestling, being a sport full of scrappy retards, doesn’t have the same international Illuminatti style proponent that the Mod Pent has. And if wrestling doesn’t have a powerful champion, BJJ sure as hell doesn’t.
(Bonus Fact: Juan Antonio’s father was also on the IOC at one point, and at one time was a ranking party member during Spain’s Fascist regime under Franco. FUN!)
Let’s not even get started on Sochi (even money that a pack of rabid dogs takes over the Olympic Village). Or the Salt Lake bribery scandal. Or the $4 million that the IOC spent on itself for entertainment purposes during Nagano.
My point is, the IOC is not known for making clear, logical decisions based on the spirit of sport and competition. Don’t expect BJJ to be an exception.
BJJ is Boring
Oh my god BJJ can be boring. Search your heart and you’ll know it to be true. We can appreciate it as fans, but it doesn’t have the explosive throws of judo, the clear cut competitive drama of track races, or the appeal of child exploitation gymnastics offers.
Take a step back and imagine you’re a casual fan, sitting in your underwear watching BJJ on TV while eating a hotdog between reruns of Ice Road Truckers. Two guys sit on their buts and grab each other’s legs for 10 minutes. Let’s watch somebody ride out a 1-0 advantage win. Riveting. Aint nobody got time for that.
Plus, BJJ’s kissing cousin, Judo, had record low ratings and international participation in 2012. I can’t imagine the IOC is keen to put another sport on the docket that is very similar in structure. Not to mention, only a handful of countries have enough high level talent to field a team that wouldn’t result in a blood bath.
We Don’t Need the Olympics
I feel this is the most important point. There are way more interesting formats, like Metamoris, Abu Dhabi, the Worlds, than what the Olympics could cook up. Here’s a thought experiment. What would you rather see, Roger Gracie go 10 minutes with Buchecha, or Keenan Cornelious fight some rando from Ghana?
The Olympics are great, no doubt about it. But they are like an aloof, WASPy father who reads the Wall Street in his study all day long and only puts it down long enough to light his pipe and let you know his disapproval. There’s a certain grandeur, definitely, but certainly not what a growing sport needs. I’d rather be a young punk than an old fuddy duddy any day.
I DARE YOU TO DISAGREE WITH ME.